Nerves and Guilt

Wednesday, May 16, 2016.   I don’t know if it is in my head, but I think I woke up a little nervous today about another treatment tomorrow.  [I think it’s only in my head because I have had this shot no less than 3 times before and it is really not that big of a deal.]  Nonetheless, after only sleeping a few hours, I woke up coughing and had the same sensation in my throat that I had at the beginning of my late April trip into Manhattan (which lasted for 16 days).  But after sending some texts — including a few to Jen who was also up at 5 in the morning after not sleeping because at least one of the three kids was up throughout the night (a far harder task than sitting at my office desk with Sports Center playing in the background) — I fell back asleep for another 2 plus hours. And I definitely needed some sleep (in the downstairs guest room by the way since I sit up until 3 or 4 am in my office).  Yet as soon as I woke up from what seemed like a pretty deep sleep, that is when the guilt started setting in.

Shouldn’t I be….. taking the kids to school everyday?  Hanging out more with Jen?  Playing with the kids?  Reading literally dozens of books and magazines that I have carefully organized in my office?  Taking a shower and changing clothes before 4 pm?  Working?  Working out?  Apologizing to old friends for acting like an ass or losing touch?  Feeling terribly that people are continually going out of their way to check in and show continued support?  Reading the nutrition files that my father-in-law printed for me over a week ago so I could figure out the right way to eat during all of this?  Returning every phone call?  Talking more to family?  Finally doing something around the house (like putting together a printer or installing the Verizon booster) rather than guilting one of my friends into putting something together as soon as they enter the house?  Hanging out with Drew who drove all the way to the airport to pick up my mom and then to my house only for me to disappear for an hour?  Siting with — and actually talking to — my mother who flew in from Florida yet again to be with me and help out around here?  Sleeping?

If I keep asking myself these questions I am going to go nuts, so I am chalking it up to the nerves.  But when the nerves pass and the medicine runs its course, I know many of these questions don’t stop.   I know this because I used to ask myself some of these questions before this all started.  Most all of the time it was just lip service.  After 5 full days at home, however, I question what I have accomplished other than looking through and organizing anything I can get my hands on.

All these questions aside, today was a really great day.  I hung out with a bunch of good friends throughout the entire day; had a very solid appetite out of the gates; watched an incredible video (at least 4 full times) that everyone from Kirkland put together (which makes you appreciate how fortunate you are to work at a supportive place with great great people); had french fries delivered to me for lunch (without even placing an order!); got in touch with several old friends that I have not connected with in some cases dozens of years; continued to look at old pictures and be reminded of some amazing moments; got a massage in the middle of the day; had my brother chauffeur me around with my mom sitting in the back seat (this happens once in a decade); finally took my college and law school diplomas to get framed; shaved my neckline for the first time in a month (since those hairs are falling out too); had a great conversation with Jake before he was getting in bed; responded to texts, emails and posts all day long, which I absolutely love to do; and once again enjoyed a few hours of complete alone time writing whatever it is that comes to my mind.

Tomorrow is going to start with me taking the kids to school and hanging out with Jen.  The nerves and guilt are just distractions.  Today was indeed a great day and tomorrow is going to be even better because of the way it is going to start.


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